May 5-Let’s Look at how God has kept and refined me!

OK, so I thought that I would just take some time and recap the last 2 1/2 years of my journey with George and how God has kept me through every high and low.  So we go back to December 2, 2013 and the doctor had a harder time telling me about MBC stage 4 than I had hearing him tell me.  For a very long time although we knew it was real it seemed like a distant thing so we went along with test and such.  Now I will tell you that God has always been my peace and at the center of it all so I have always been at peace with dying.  However, when it came to poking me with needles (some people suck at this) and invading my body there is NO way I would have survived without my mom Judy.  I can tell you that there were times I know that she was jelly on the inside but she talked and soothed me as I endured what was once torture for me as she showed nothing but calm on the outside.   It’s funny but no matter how old a child is when they are scared they are always 5 years old and I have been known to throw a tantrum.  God knew I would need her and she has never faltered while daddy and I would joke and pick which helped elevate tension, my parents have been my rock.   I have had 2 complete hip replacements and the first left me nearly 2 inches shorter on the left so I felt like grandpa McCoy most of the time!  The second surgery made everything even again (I threatened the doctor with bodily harm if I came out uneven).    Near as we can figure I have had over 60 rounds of radiation not including this most recent,  I was worried I would start glowing in the dark or something.  Then there was the rare 3% chance of getting cancer in the knee and because I refuse to be normal or do anything the easy way of course my left knee had a lovely tumor.   Hips, knee, femur and tibia have all seen rounds of radiation.   MBC never stays where it starts unless it’s caught early which is an oxymoron because MBC is advanced Breast Cancer so by it’s very design it will eventually spread to other parts of the body and start to break down the body.   From the beginning there were tumors in every bone but in November we discovered it had spread to the lungs (small tumors) and just recently the tumors are growing and the lungs look like someone threw up a spider web over both lungs (yuck).   Monday was when the doctor told me that my lungs would be what finally ended my and George’s journey together, not the brain.  I have to tell you that no matter how O.K and at peace I am with dying and for me very excited to be home with Jesus, it rocked me a little (O.K a lot) when he said 3-6 months.  How does anyone begin to process a countdown to death?   How do you tell your family?   As painful as it is it is normal to lose your parents but it is not normal to bury your child, ever.  My heart breaks for them knowing what they must face ahead but I also know that God is center in mama’s life and she is daddy’s rock so they will get through this and come out stronger in the end because I am not the only one God has been refining.

This week has been full of new diagnoses and hard decisions beginning with brain issues, lungs and finally making the tough and painful decision to have our 14 year old boxer Chloe put to sleep.  I have had to do this in the past and it’s always hard but this time with Chloe we had too many things in common and I actually knew what she was feeling and going through and I’m telling you this dog would look and me as if to say “You know personally how much pain I’m in, make it stop if you love me.”  I have always lived by the motto “Do what is right not what is easy”  and after 14 years of being a faithful companion I owed her that much and so much more.   So wipe away the tears cause now I’m gonna flip the scrip and tell you how someone ditches a jeep just turning down the road to get to mama and daddy’s house.   So I had a late appointment yesterday and wanted to spend the day at my parents before leaving for radiation,  I make the left turn onto their road and in the blink of an eye my jeep had hit and then jumped a recently deep dug out ditch, rocked like crazy, shook every bone in my body before coming to rest and doing damage.  Now it took me several minutes to realize what had just happened before I was able to drive on to the house.  Daddy was in the driveway and noticed, once I was able to quit shaking and get into the house I explained what happened.   I can tell you God got a butt load of thank you’s for no broken bones, I could still drive the jeep and no one but the dumb blonde driving suffered at all.   I’ve been driving 37 years and never been the cause of an accident, oh wait yes I have when I was in high school and skipped school with some friends I hit someone at Hardy’s, no hiding that but then I wasn’t where I was suppose to be either.   But I digress.   Now add to this that every day this week it has been pouring cats and dogs when I had to leave for radiation.  At one point I was talking to God and it occurred to me that he did not give me a boring life and for that I am thankful!   O.K so now the radiation has caused me to have Thrush, yes you read that right, Thrush!!!  I never even had Thrush as a baby can you imagine?  I’ll take that over the severe mouth sores I had before though so there again something to be thankful for.  My faith and my love relationship with God has always allowed me to see myself as blessed, the glass more than half full, the scales weighing in my favor.  Get the picture???   I refuse to let Satan steal, destroy or otherwise mess with what God has given me and I know God is ready to kick butt at the very second I call on him for help.  How cool is that?

Over the past 2 1/2 years things have changed in ways that I’m not certain any of us could have begun to imagine both large and small but the past 6 moths have really defined for all of us exactly what living and eventually dying from cancer can do.   Here’s what it has done for me:  it has brought me closer to my family and we have endured much together while being very open, honest and sometimes down right funny about the whole process (God chose this for my life so I’m not gonna be bummed over it) but more important than anything else this disease that has no conscience has allowed me to be in a relationship with God that cannot be defined or put into words because it is so deep in my heart, spirit and soul.   I will never understand how anyone can go through trials and tribulations without God as a refuge and defender and I am so thankful and grateful that I haven’t had to face any of this without Jesus.

I don’t want you to think that every day has been roses and sunshine, a person can not grow or be refined if every day is a cake walk and besides that is not the definition of trials and tribulations.  What I want you to understand is that even a rough day or a sad day was a blessed day for me, always because God was and is in the middle of every second of my life.   The other day a friend asked me this question ” When your’re gone what is the one thing you want people to say about you?”  Without a pause I answered “She always trusted God, always.”   That is where all of my peace comes from, the greatest comforter of all….Jesus.

O.K, there ya go!  I’ll keep blogging til the lights go out so keep reading and God bless.

Love you all,

Robyn