It has been 2 years since George and I became hostile partners and in all that time I have never felt sorry for myself or asked God WHY? Now that’s not to say I haven’t reached a tipping point and cried or that I haven’t been disappointed at the ever growing list of limitations cancer seems to be adding to my life but I have always been able to say with absolute conviction that God is in control and, well….It Is What It Is! That is until this past Thursday.
I Still believe and I trust that God is in control but what happened or more accurately what didn’t happen Thursday caused me to have a complete but temporary melt down. Sam, Judy and I went to Burgaw for the much anticipated horseback riding event. My horse was HUGE, I had a very difficult time mounting and when I finally got in the saddle my legs and hips just wouldn’t adjust properly which increased my pain. Within seconds I had a full blown panic attack and had to get off and give up doing the very thing I had been looking forward to doing for months.
Sam, Judy and their guide went ahead with their trail ride and I sat in the car and tried to get a grip on myself but could not. So I called the one person that I knew could help…Mama J. By the time the first words came out of my mouth I was crying so hard I could barely speak so she prayed for me and encouraged me to slow down and catch my breath. Finally after a several minutes of comforting conversation I was able to hang up and refocus. Why the extreme reaction you ask? I guess the best way to explain it it to say that it felt like the final straw. I have lost or had to give up so many things since George took over and this was just too much! Now I realize that to most this may seem like a minor thing but please remember that I have been dealing with this kind of loss for 2 years now.
Now let’s get to last Friday, the day of my appointment with Dr.M. I have been having trouble with my breathing and it was/is getting worse. I was sent to the hospital for a CT of my chest and all the goodies tucked inside there. Tuesday the doc called to tell me that there are more than 15 tumors on my lungs! It’s the very first time that I have been scared in regard to my cancer (that doesn’t count needles!!) but the thought of my lungs now being invaded scares me to the core. George has always stayed in the United States but decided to travel outside of the country and take up residence in my lungs. I was NOT happy about his traveling plans.
I will be dropping the current meds and will begin a whole new regime next week, the idea is to starve the tumors that feed on my blood and also to (let’s pray) shrink the tumors. As soon as I have more information I will update but I see the doctor next week and again the following week.
No matter how scared or angry I may get about George and his antics I have NEVER questioned or doubted God or his wisdom. I still believe with all of my heart that he has allowed this so that it and I may be used to glorify HIS name and I fell so privileged and completely unworthy of such a calling.
Isaiah 41:10
“Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.”
Praying for you! XOXO
The following is from one of my favorites, RC Sproul, in response to the question of suffering and healing.
I don’t know how many times I’ve seen on the walls of pastors’ studies or in Christian homes the little sign, Expect a Miracle. If a miracle is something we can expect, like we expect the postman every morning, it ceases to be miraculous—it’s no longer extraordinary, and it no longer does the job that miracles were designed to do, namely, to call attention in an astonishing way to the intervention of God. On the other hand, the New Testament tells us to bring our prayers before God, particularly for those who are sick. So I expect God to be merciful because he promises to be merciful, and I expect God to be present in times of trouble because he promises to be present in every time of trouble. I expect that God will take our prayers seriously when we pray on behalf of the sick. I do not expect that God is going to heal everybody we pray for because I don’t know that God has ever promised to do that. And I have no right to expect something from God that he has not categorically promised in every situation.
In the New Testament we see that Jesus, as far as we know, had a perfect healing record. When Jesus asked the Father to heal somebody, they were healed. But even the apostles were not that consistent. There were times when they prayed for the healing of people and those people were healed, and there were times when they prayed for people and they were not healed. I think that in those situations, practically speaking, what we should do is bring our requests before God in fear and trembling, in passionate intercession, and then let God be God. We do expect the presence of his Holy Spirit.
The Bible tells us that in the world we have tribulation, the world is full of suffering, we are going to suffer, and God promises to go with us: “Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for thou art with me.” I have never ceased to be amazed at how some Christians I know have testified to the overwhelming sense of the presence of Christ that comes to them in those situations. That’s when we can most expect God to be with us.