Today I finally saw the doctor and we went over everything the family and I could think to ask him. I was also sent for x-rays of my entire left leg because I have needed to use the cane again due to sharp pains and weakness in the leg. Results will be available tomorrow. I also asked the doctor point blank how long he thought I had and we agree that it’s about a year. I believe that my dying is harder for my doctor than it is for me and I will make certain that he understands (with his heart) how my relationship with Jesus has made my acceptance possible. My gut tells me that even though God wants me witnessing to everyone, Dr. M is a special case. I spent 2 hours at the funeral home Tuesday picking out the plan I wanted and urns for members of the family as well as giving all the vital information they will need for my death certificate. When she asked for my parents names of course I said Les and Judy so she asked “then who is Lila?” I said that she was my biological mother. She then told me that I would have to put Lila’s name not Judy’s (this is in regard to the death certificate) apparently I was not happy about this because she began to apologize at which point I had to apologize for my reaction. Apparently who you CONSIDER your mom doesn’t mean a hill of beans to the records department! Anyway, I am trying to take care of everything I can think of so that my family will not be burdened with these things but there is always something that must be done by the living after I am gone.
I want my funeral to be a joyful event and before you ask “how will that be possible?” I will tell you how! When you are sitting there in your pew instead of dwelling on where I am not praise God for where I am!! Tell stories of times we spent together, crazy things we said or did, talk about me (be nice, I may be listening!) and be happy that I am in a most glorious place that you too will be one day. We will see each other again and it will be awesome. I tried not thinking about all I would be missing out on but eventually the reality of it pushes up to the surface. I mean if I’m with Jesus how could I miss anything right? Well that’s true but I have a pretty strong idea of what I would get to be a part of if I were not gone and missing out on those things make me sad. I want to see my granddaughter get married and be there in the delivery room when she has her first baby, we’ve talked about it so many times and now I feel like I’m letting her down by not being there. I will miss talking to Mama J, our talks mean so much to me and we have become so close over the past few years. I’ll miss giving daddy a hard time about anything and everything because we love to pick at each other (I wonder if there’s an angel I can tease and pick at) hmmm. I know all of this sounds confusing but believe me when I tell you that I have learned how confusing dying can be. Still, at the end of the day I have peace because I know that my God is in control. It honestly, truly is Well with my soul.
(I hope I’m not in my jammies when I go)
Revelation 4:1
“After this I looked, and, behold, a door was opened in heaven: and the first voice which I heard was as it were of a trumpet talking with me; which said, Come up hither, and I will show thee things which must be hereafter.”
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