Over the last 8 days so much has happened that I was overcome with emotions, something I really hate to have happen. My mother Lila and I went to Myrtle Beach for the weekend and even before we left I was having a lot of pain in my left knee which caused referred pain in my back and hips. In addition, my doc had increased my morphine to 60mg 3 x daily which necessitated the need for 4 Senokot 3 x daily. Do you have any idea what that much Senokot does to a small body? Well I do! so..now not only do I have crippling knee/hip/back pain but I also have severe diarrhea!! Oh yeah, did I mention that it rained the entire time we were in MB? Not one to be defeated I refused to let any of that stop me from doing what we went there to do…SHOPPING!! Not a lot, but I have a Christmas list and wanted to get at least 2 people checked off. By the time we got home I was stuck in the bed for 3 days not able to do anything for myself. Bless my husbands little bitty heart, he waited on me hand and foot, cried when he looked at me and felt bad because he couldn’t fix me. My sweet friend Roseann even brought me coffee because I couldn’t drive to the store. My son Robert threw a huge birthday cookout for his dad and everyone had a great time, but what struck me (and in truth made me quite sad) was that I was of no use at all. Me, the woman who never runs out of energy, can’t sit still for more than a minute at a time couldn’t do a darn thing to help. Now pity aside, I am thankful that my sons, family and friends are so thoughtful and quick to jump in and assist in any way they can. God has blessed me and I try not to let these limitations get to me, but the truth is that no matter how hard I shove them down they eventually find their way to the surface. There are times that I feel as though little pieces of my life are being stolen from me and yes, it makes me angry. Not at anyone or anything, just at the fact of not having control. Control, I have given a lot of thought to that word and what it means to me in my life, and also how it has affected my entire life. So here is what I have come to peace with…giving up control (willingly or by way of circumstances) is something I have always fought (hard) against and I believe that this is a lesson that God wants me to learn. That giving up or losing control does not mean that you are out of control and without choices. I have grown and learned a lot that I believe I never would have were it not for getting cancer, so yes, in spite of the pain and limitations I am again thankful. Ok, now that the cleansing of the bowels is back to normal, and I have an appointment with an orthopedic doctor, lets talk about my chemo treatment yesterday. It’s no secret that I hate needles (tattoos do not count) but I have put on my big girl panties and have blood drawn, chemo and zometa infusion without incident or mental breakdown!! However, IF you are going to run a line in my vein, please for the love of all that is medically sacred, know what you are doing!! My chemo nurse could not get the line in, and after 2 tries I told her I was done. She got another nurse who got the line in on her first try, that you, thank you, thank you!!! I am not crazy about my nurses technique, she is heavy handed and rough, in fairness to her I will say that she is pleasant and did feel bad about the trouble she was having, although I can guarantee she didn’t feel as bad as I did. Anyway, all of this put me an hour behind schedule and I was wiped out by the time we were done.
The good news is that the chemo does seem to be slowing down the cancer growth and the Lupron shots stop estrogen from feeding the greedy little monsters, so yeah for chemo!! There’s no way to know how much time this will buy me or even how long the Taxol will work, but I don’t worry about what God has control over. As always, I take it one day at a time and I am learning to deal with my emotions instead of denying them. Every single day I am thankful that my brother and I do not have it worse than we do, we have both sat in the infusion rooms and watched as others who have it far worse than us endure without complaint. That, in my mind is God at work, teaching us if we are willing to learn.
I read this a while back and wanted to share because it spoke to my heart, so instead of scripture today, read and tuck it away to ponder upon.
” One thing alone, dear Lord! I dread – To have a secret spot, That seperates my soul from Thee, and yet to know it not.”
You are a blessing to me. You are my sister by Faith and I love you so very much. You are an inspiration. God bless you.