So this past week has been so busy and full of unexpected events that I became overwhelmed and found myself wondering what would happen next, and for a moment even wondered if I could face the next “thing” that would befall myself and my family. I have not faced one day of cancer by myself, Jesus and my family have been there with me every step of the way, and while Jesus is unshakable my family can and does at times feel the stress and fears that go with this disease. Monday was the only day I did not have a doctors appointment, at home therapy held that spot. Tuesday was Dr. McNulty, he wants to change my chemo med to one that 30 years ago held a terrible reputation (not very comforting) but assures us that I will get 1/5 the dose. After leaving his office we then went to see Dr.Nichols the radiation doctor, they want to hit me hard and fast with 3 different areas of radiation (right femur, right hip, left tibia) Thursday, Friday and Monday. Monday will be the last treatment and then we will decide when to resume chemo. That brings us to Wednesday when I was suppose to go for a follow up with my surgeon Dr. Hannum but instead ended up in the E.R courtesy of New Hanover EMT. At 10:30 Wednesday morning my heart rate hit 220, fortunately the home care nurse came to see me and called for EMT. Can you imagine 3 big men working on me in the bedroom, tubes and lines running everywhere, dogs trying to get inside to “protect” their master, me freaking out and veins that were difficult to access? It was a sight!! They had to stop and restart my heart (a feeling that can only be described as weird) once stable we took a trip to New Hanover. I had made up my mind that short of dying in the hospital, I WAS NOT STAYING! I got my way and 2 hours later I was a free woman. No one can tell us what caused it(not knowing scares me more that it actually happening) So, as is seemingly normal for a cancer patient a new med was added,Metoprolol, this should keep it from happening again. I felt well enough to run some errands thanks to my sons girlfriend and my friend Star, she drove me everywhere I needed to go. By end of day I was exhausted and in pain so I iced my hip and fell asleep in the recliner, when I woke up I was overwhelmed and couldn’t stop crying. Now most of you know how I feel about breaking down, it’s a waste of time and makes me feel like I’m not trusting God, but I was wrong! I know, it’s hard to believe isn’t it! Sometimes when we refuse to care for ourselves God fixes it so that we don’t have a choice. When I said that I couldn’t stop crying I really meant that I literally couldn’t stop crying, and when the well finally ran dry I felt renewed and cleansed free of all the things that I had been holding inside. Once again God knew what I needed, saw that I was in my own way and made it happen. Thursday was radiation and I even felt good enough to cut a friends hair. Friday was radiation and follow up with my surgeon, he said I was doing great and maybe in 2 weeks I could start driving again. Star took me to these appointments, mom and dad met us at surgeons and afterward Star and I spent then rest of then day getting a pink cane and walker, running errands again(for a temporarily disabled person I have a lot of errands) and later Marty and I were picked up and taken to attend grandmas 91 birthday party. By 8 p.m I was showered and anticipating my nightly 9 p.m call to mom. This has been a busy and emotional week, I miss being in church and spending time in the company of my church family. As crazy as this week was I had and took advantage of several opportunities to share my faith and testimony as well as learning of 2 new people to pray for. God is in everything at all times even if we feel lost and alone(however brief) we are not, God is there waiting for us to call on him for comfort and help. I am learning that it is better to call and cry than to break my own spirit by trying to deal with things without bothering God with them. God is our ultimate parent, our father! would any loving father feel bothered by a child in need? NO, NEVER. In less than a year of living with cancer I have learned more about myself and about how much God loves me than in all the 51 years before, this is my lesson and I am certain there is much more for me to learn and to share. At times I am scared of the “what next” but I am quick to remember that I am not to worry about tomorrow, today is all that I have been promised, and that’s good enough for me!! I want to die with grace and dignity(preferably pain free and coherent!!) but I want to live with joy and peace, Jesus makes that possible.
Proverbs 8:1-9
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