It’s been a very busy 2 weeks, I have been going to the Y for my Living Strong program on Monday’s and Wednesday’s and while I see improvement and really enjoy going, I am always very sore deep in the muscles of my left leg and this causes me to get no sleep at all. I mentioned it to the instructors and they assure me that as long as I’m not having pain then I’m good to continue. My sister has lost a huge amount of her hair and her second treatment was this past Monday, she didn’t get sick until 2 days later but it came on with a vengeance. I feel so useless not being able to help her except for being there for her when she text or calls me. I offer comfort and support but it doesn’t make it easier for her. It’s funny because she is 51 years old but in my mind she is still my baby sister and I’ve always looked out for her and kept her safe, along comes cancer and I can’t do anything to ease her misery.
Survivors guilt has been on my mind a lot lately. I know of at least 2 people who feel guilty because they are in remission or cured (I’m not convinced that you can actually cure cancer) and act weird around me because they know that I can not be cured (except by God’s hand!). I keep wondering if they realize that God has a specific purpose for each of us and maybe God has more for me to do before he cures me or calls me home. Because of my cancer I have been able to help and understand both my brother and sister as they battle(ed) their own cancer. I think of that as a very special gift and the three of us are closer than ever because of something we share. I keep looking at the big picture and counting the little achievements as they come to me. Losing my hair never bothered me but now it has started to grow back which means I get to play with color again! I have better range of motion, I haven’t developed any more tumors, the list just goes on and on. I would ask anyone feeling guilty to please remember that God makes all final decisions, not the doctors, they can only go by their limited knowledge while God’s knowledge is infinite!!!
Revelation 2:19
I know thy works, and charity, and service, and faith, and thy patience, and thy works; and the last to be more than the first.
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