The Past 6 Months

I’ll spend the next few days trying to catch you up on what has taken place in the last 6 months, then I will post at least once a week and let you know what’s new.   Like everyone I have good days and not so good days but what gets me through when things are tough is faith and friends/family. Let’s start with faith.  Over the past few years I have grown in my relationship with the Lord, and like any relationship worth having you must put in the work.  There are those who get saved and think that nothing bad will ever happen to them again because they belong to the Lord, and then when something rocks their world they turn away from god or rail at him asking “why me?”  Well, I have always thought “why not me?”  See, faith can not grow if it is not tested, after all it’s easy to praise god when you’re on the mountain top but how do you react when you’re down in the valley and there’s a mus slide aimed at you? Believe it or not my first thoughts when I was diagnosed was 1-God allowed this so he must have a plan, 2-please don’t let me miss an opportunity to be used by god.  I honestly believe that I was allowed to get cancer so that I can be used by my savior, now to me that’s worth every needle, every pain, every sleepless night and whatever else lies ahead.   That’s not to say that I don’t need to check my attitude at times, after all, pain on a constant can make anyone cranky!  Also, I discovered that I was guilty of pride, imagine such a thing.  How so you may be asking? Well I have always had a strong will and pit bull attitude, I don’t allow myself to break down because it’s a waste of time, or so I thought.  When my husband had a quad by pass 6 years ago, and then a stroke 9 months ago I handled it the way I handle everything I have no control over…with humor.  Marty had quit smoking 2 months before he needed hip surgery(never saw that coming) then 5 months later by pass, I told him that the nicotine had been holding him together. I never cried once I just counted my blessings and pressed on.  Since having cancer I have discovered that holding in sadness is as bad as holding in anger, neither have a positive outcome.  Crying is therapeutic so cry people cry, just don’t wallow.  When things start to overwhelm you, allow yourself a 5 minute pity party but no more, any longer and you have taken your eyes off of god and put them on yourself.   The past few days were harder than usual, my legs felt like someone was stabbing them with an ice pick and the would “jump” from the nerves reacting to the cancer.  I tell ya, I felt like a frog in a biology lab.  Actually what came to mind was a memory  from my childhood.  I was about 6 or so and at my grandparents house, grandma threw frog legs into a frying pan and covered it with a lid.  Now those legs started jumping and hitting the lid, ewww.  Anything trying to escape that hard should not be on the dinner menu.  I’m just saying! Scripture memorization, good thing to do but it was years before I understood the importance of it and what it meant to hide his word in our heart.  Those past few days that were not so fun?  I just kept reciting Isaiah 41:13 to myself and picturing Jesus’ hand reaching for mine and believing on his word.  Isaiah 41:13 :For I the lord thy god will hold thy right hand saying unto thee, fear not I will help thee.  It brings me peace because I believe, notice that I didn’t say the pain suddenly disappeared though that would have been cool too.  I was down in the vally but I was not alone.  More on faith as we travel together.   Friends and Family, what can I say  l except that all of mine are certifiably crazy but in a way that makes you glad to know them.  (this includes some of my church family and you know who you are!!)  these wonderful people make me laugh, give me support, pray for me and lift me up.  A special thank you to my dear friend Rosanne who began our first bible study together nearly 6 years ago and we are still going at it and growing in the lord.  I can not think of another woman I trust more (other than my mom Judy), yep I’ve come a long way baby.  Not bragging just telling you what the lord can do in your life if you will only allow him in. These women from church have become an intricate part of my life and I’m proud to know them.  The hardest thing for me about having cancer is the pain and tears it has caused to the people I love so much but 10 years ago I wouldn’t have allowed anyone close enough to care so deeply. Sons, as I mentioned I have 2.  Robert is the oldest and is that side of me that can get angry and be rebellious (I’m a big girl now so I keep it in check..mostly)  so his response to my cancer is anger and “why you” I talk with him and share my beliefs on the situation but mostly I just show him by living what I believe.  Justin is 3 years younger and that side of me that is very pragmatic, logical and researches everything in relation to cancer, knowledge is power against fear because we fear what we don’t understand.  Both of my sons believe in Jesus and are saved. Fathers, mine is crazy and I am a product of that craziness.  I get my sense of humor and work ethic from him along with my sarcastic wit and need to be in control, it’s a gift so don’t knock it people!  Daddy has been to every important doctors visit and asked questions the rest of us either didn’t think to ask or simply would have forgotten to ask, he’s the minute man.   I know this sounds thoughtless but I only recently realized how hard this must be on him, add to that this little nugget of information: my older brother was diagnosed with stage 3 CLL about 3 months after my diagnoses.  Now really people what are the odds? Mothers, moms, mommies…I have one and she is very special.  She is my dads second marriage and best decision he ever made.  I was never taught to call her mom so I have always called her Judy(Julia when necessary) mommy when needed.  She has blessed my life in ways that only a mother knows how to do, it’s genuine and deep down.  When I am scared, anxious or just need to express my emotions she is the person I rely on.  We talk almost every single night from 9-10.  She has held my hand and calmed my fears through procedures and probings, all the while praying for me and appearing calm on the outside while calming her own fears on the inside.  She never let me see that she was scared. My own mother, Lila is a part of my life and wants to be involved in this whole process but I have to be selective in order to stay calm and happy.  I know that she loves me so let’s just leave it at that.  My step dad Ray or Red as he is known by most has a big heart and we have a good relationship. Let’s see, that leaves husbands of which I only have 1 because really, even if it were legal to have more than 1 no woman in her right mind would do such a thing.  Sorry, got off track for a minute.  I have a good husband and this has really turned his world upside down.  He has never seen me in a situation that I couldn’t bulldoze my way through so this is scary for him.  Of course I tell him he’s just afraid I’ll die first and leave him with the 3 dogs and the boys!  It took me a few months but I came to understand that it is important to allow him to take care of me in whatever way that he can rather it’s sweeping the house, cooking or just getting my coffee.  Ahhh, the life of a princess!!

New Day June 24-

I got 4 whole hours of sleep last night and I’m not being sarcastic!  That’s a lot of sleep for me lately.  Feel pretty good this morning and glad to be alive.   So today I thought I would talk about strong positive influences (past and present) that have helped to shape the person I am today. The first genuine example of unshakable faith I ever encountered was in the form of a petite 80 year old woman named Betty Yarborough.  I came to know her when I attended another church many years ago.  Mrs.Y was still married to Mr.Y when I became close friends with both of them, now when we first met I had no idea that he was dying of, yep you guessed it…Cancer.  More about me, god and Mr.Y later on.  Let’s cut to the chase, within a year of knowing them Mr.Y passed away.  Now, Mrs.Y was widowed once before and had one child, a son Pete from that marriage with whom she was very close.  Every mothers idea of the perfect son, and I liked him a lot because of that.  Well, within 2 years Pete passed away unexpectedly.  Now, except for a few church friends and Margaret Hockett, she was alone.

I remember being very very angry for her, how could god allow such loss and pain to someone who loved and honored him with every breath that she took?  So, I asked her why she wasn’t angry.  This sweet little old lady who had lost so much in such a short period of time looked me dead in the eyes, took both my hands in hers and said “What do I have to be angry about, god gave me them for as long as he wanted me to have them and I was blessed.  WOW… now me, I was still angry about the whole thing but her words stuck with me and helped to make me who I am today.

I have always believed that God puts people in your life for a reason, rather for a moment or a lifetime but always with a plan.

June 25, 2014

Didn’t sleep well last night had ,a lot on my mind.  My friend Bernice picked me up today and we had a specific destination in mind, a funeral home.  I needed to get some information and prices on what I would like to have done, it’s a lot more involved than I thought.   My wants are simple, a viewing for friends and family, the opportunity for people to speak if they want to, ship me off for cremation and be done with it.   There are maxi urns and keepsake urns, and all kinds of ways to share my ashes, so if anyone wants something specific you better speak up now people.  The rest of the day was spent just hitting consignment shops and cool hole in the wall places.

Now I would like to tell you about Mr.Y and how God prepared me for one of the greatest losses of my life, my grandfather.  As I said earlier, when I met the Yarboroughs Mr.Y already had cancer, but of course I did not know that until a few months later.  In those few months prior to finding out about his cancer we became close and I loved him very much, in part because he was so much like my grandfather and they had a lot in common.  When he passed I just couldn’t understand why god would put someone in my life that I grew to love and then take him away from me so quickly.  I was NOT happy with god but I wasn’t exactly angry either.  Years later when my grandfather was dying with cancer I had the honor of being there and caring for him, I was sitting in a chair beside his bed when he passed.  The whole time he had cancer I kept a journal on his day today life.

See, what god knew and I did not was that I needed to be prepared for this loss, my time with Mr.Y gave me that and so much more.  It still leaves me speechless and my heart full every time I think about the fact that even before I was formed my savoir already knew what I would need, if only I would be open to receive.   As of today I personally know 11 people that have or have had cancer, that fact scares me.