Today is Monday and I’ve been trying to decide rather to blog about this or not but if I am going to tell the story of me and George, then I have to tell the whole story and not just the parts that are easiest for me. So here goes… For several days now I have been fighting against anger and feeling hostile but I don’t know where the feelings stem from. Recently I decided to stop taking an anxiety med prescribed for me several months ago, I didn’t think I had anxiety so why take the drug? Then I was told that I was going to have another grandchild and I had a wealth of mixed emotions; excited at the prospect of a new baby, at Robert getting a second chance to be a good father, shopping trips for anything “baby”, ultrasounds and sonograms, trimester pictures to document mommies growing baby bump! The other emotion that I kept shoving down as hard as I could (and failing) was sorrow. I can’t think about the baby without breaking down and crying, I should be over the moon with joy but all I can do is cry. It’s purely selfish and I know it but there it is. Nothing about dying has made me sad, why would it? I will leave this crazy world and be with Jesus where peace and joy reign. I thought that I had it all figured out, all my ducks in a row and ready when Jesus called me home. Then like a bolt of electricity someone gives me something to look forward to, to do what I’m really good at and enjoy, being a Nana! I know that in heaven I will not miss or need anything but the truth of the matter is that I can’t seem to stay focused on that wonderful fact. Every time I daydream about the baby I am reminded that I won’t be here to watch him grow, to build a bond with him the way I was blessed enough to do with Hannah, and I am angry. Not at God or cancer, I know this is true because I have searched my heart and prayed for clarity. So why am I angry? More searching and loooong conversations with God has answered this for me, I don’t want to be left out or forgotten. I told you it was purely selfish. The very best memories that I have are of me and Hannah, and there are hundreds of them, thousands even! I have been so blessed to have her in my life and many of you understand that a granddaughter can give you joy unlike anyone else on the planet. Now I will be blessed with another grandchild and unless God decides otherwise, memories will be few and time short. It’s just another incident where I have no power or control. This also bothers me because I thought that I had come to terms with the need to control. I decided to blog this only after I was able to understand what was really going on inside this crazy head and heart of mine and why. This is what I think: God wanted me to see that I was still trying to control my emotions instead of embracing them, that instead of laying my broken heart at his feet I was trying to keep then pieces together by myself (this has never worked out so why do I try?) and that my journey of learning will not end until I am seated at the saviors feet. It makes me tired sometimes, and I don’t know how to be excited about a baby and not be sad at the same time. I have an uneasy feeling that Jesus has another lesson just waiting for me!! The longer that I live with cancer the more I learn about myself and the closer I grow to God. I feel like the teachers Pet! and considering that I was never a straight A student I’d say he’s got a full time job. It’s funny but every time there is a lesson for me to learn I learn it the hard way, and I end up mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. But when all is said and done, I once again have peace! When I started this blog I never imagined there would be so much to tell let alone so much to learn but God knew. I will do my best to embrace what lies ahead without letting Satan steal that joy but I can use all the prayers I can get! One last thing, Hannah never knew my grandfather (he and I were very close) but she can tell you almost everything about him because I kept his memory alive for her with stories and pictures. Mama J promised to do the same for me and I know that she will, but don’t be afraid to jump in and give your version of the Robyn you know and love!!HAHAHA and remember, Gods listening.
I’m still asking myself why it’s so important to me for the baby to know about me, I can’t answer that yet but maybe one day God will enlighten me. I just hope I’m not ashamed of myself if he does. That’s another day and another blog!
1 Thessalonians 5:18
In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.
As always, your blog has given me a view of your reality, a view of my own humility and a view of God’s grace. This journal will be part of the inheritance your new grandaughter/grandson will receive. He/she will know you through your beautiful, honest, humble-filled writings. We continue to pray for you often.