As most of you know my grandmother Hunter passed away December 31, 2015 and things are still being settled on her behalf. I struggle with my feelings toward her daughter, my biological mother because she is the kind of person I would avoid at all cost but for the fact that she is my mother and I have no choice. I have prayed and continue to pray but how do you deal with not liking or wanting anything to do with your own mother? I keep telling myself that God is trying to teach or show me something but I haven’t got it yet. I don’t want to leave this world feeling this way about her.
I, my sister Sheila, Starr and my grandson R.J made a trip to P.A to see family that I haven’t seen in quite some time and that Sheila hadn’t seen in 20 plus years. God kept us safe going and returning home and the visit there was so great. Nephews and their children as well as my Uncle Monty and Aunt Debbie came to see us at my brothers home. We took a trip to Everett to surprise grandma Morris and she got to see R.J for the first time. Rick and I got some quality alone time and talked about everything til 5 in the morning, I couldn’t have asked for a better visit.
We returned home Tuesday morning and on Thursday I saw Dr. McNulty. My white count is going up but my hemoglobin refuses to budge in spite of monthly iron shots. After leaving his office I had x-rays of my left hip only to confirm what I already knew…here comes a new hip! The up side is that the pain will be gone and they will be able to get my legs the same length which means that after recovery and therapy I can get back to exercising and maybe ride that horse at last. The problem is that because of my hemoglobin being so low they will not be able to do the surgery until it goes up to at least 10.5 although they prefer 12. As of now they have me scheduled for the 22 of February and the 2 doctors will work to find a way to raise the levels.
Through all of the emotional, physical and mental changes I have kept my peace and I know that without that peace that comes only from my ever growing relationship with Jesus I would never get through one single restless night let alone whatever remaining time the Lord lets me stay here to share his word and my story. I know that I have said this more than once but I have to say it again, I am thankful for my cancer. I have come to know, love and rely on Jesus in a deeper more meaningful way than I believe I would have without the cancer. It is the times we spend in the valley that tests us and I want to be tested because without these test how can our testimony grow?
Do I have rough days that keep me in my p.j’s? yep! but I have come to see those days as God yanking my leash so that I get the rest that I need because left to my own I would go til my hip fell off!! which I was pretty sure it was gonna do and it feels like it too. I know this for certain, everything God does or doesn’t do has a very specific purpose and we will be our happiest if we just remember that and stop swimming against the tide.
Psalm 7: 1-4
“Oh Lord my God, in thee do I put my trust: save me from all them that persecute me, and deliver me:
Lest he tear my soul like a lion, rending it in pieces, while there is none to deliver.
O Lord my God, I have done this; if there be iniquity in my hands;
If I have rewarded evil unto him that was at peace with me; (yea I have delivered him that without cause is mine enemy;)”
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