3 hours of sleep can make for a very cranky girl, add to that the fact that I was at one doctor or another from 10:30-3:30 without food. Maybe cranky isn’t a strong enough word! No medical issues to worry over just a lot of sitting between appointments. So today I thought I might explain with better detail about my specific cancer. When my cancer spread to my bones it was pretty much every where but in small amounts, for example: the top 5 vertebra of my neck and along my lower back. The last MRI showed that it was along my entire spine, legs and any where there were bones, and in the marrow, but what type of cancer is what matters most. LYTIC LESIONS, yep I had to look it up too! Think of what a piece of coral looks like, lots of holes from ocean wear, that’s what my bones look like which is why sky diving just came off my bucket list. That’s another thing, why didn’t anyone mention that I needed a bucket list before I was dying? Oh the pressure to complete one!!! Sorry, I drifted off for a minute but I’m back now. Anyway, since I couldn’t sleep last night I started thinking back over the last 6 months and how much things have changed because cancer doesn’t just affect the patient, it affects everyone that loves the patient too. Then of course there is the physical changes that take place which then , without my permission leads to emotional and yes even mental change. The physical is pretty easy to imagine but here goes; pain, limitations, smell, taste and appetite to name a few. Emotional: I’m a bit of a control freak so losing control of my emotions is like a double whammy for me, the second I feel like I’m going to cry I suck it up and scold myself (I am learning to let go and cry sometimes) but only when the well runneth over! Mental: Ah the mental aspect of cancer. The first word that comes to mind is guilt. Guilt for being the source of pain and sorrow to those who love me, guilt for needing help doing the things I use to do without any help at all, guilt that in all probability I will leave my husband without the woman that has looked after him for all of these years, and guilt that there is nothing that I can do about it. I’m a problem solver and I just can’t solve this problem, more guilt. So…with all of this to deal with every minute of every day you may be wondering how I do it without screaming or becoming depressed. Easy, I never allow myself to stay in a negative state of mind for more than 5 minutes because any longer than that and it becomes a way of thinking. Instead, I focus on the Lord and all that he has done and continues to do for me (every minute of every day!) I also have favorite scriptures and a bible study book that I work in, and of course, my blog.
Robin: it was good to see you last might. although we have not spoken, I do pray for you and your family. I just read your blog. Thank you for sharing.
My father also had a type of bone cancer and I was home for a leave of absence to care for him. So I understand what you are writing. I often think of you and ask the Lord to give you extra grace for each hour.
I subscribed to your Blog hoping to comment and be encouraging. Your story has deeply affected me. I’m a Christian. I am skeptical about biblical attitudes at times. I really want you to get well. However, I also want what God wants for your life and I know He is in total control of all of this. Thank you for sharing who you are and those things that you have struggled with in you life as well as the struggles you are having now with cancer. Your husband is a very blessed man to have wife like you. I would tell you in your life to come there will be no more pain tears or regrets. The regrets I have are a cancer in my mind that I carry with me until I die. Again I hope you get well and this blog is great for reasons I cant articulate or describe. Thanks
I know what it is like to have a cancer in the mind and just like the one in my body, I had to deal with it. Everyone has demons, some of us more than others but I am living proof that with gods grace you can face the demons and put them to rest. I am not telling you that you will have no memory of what you regret but I promise you that it will have no power over you once you ask gods forgiveness and then begin to forgive yourself. For me that was the hardest part. One day as I was beating myself up over sins of the past I suddenly realized that if I wasn’t forgiving myself , then I was also saying that gods forgiveness wasn’t enough. Well that’s just crazy. It can be a long and difficult journey but oh so worth it. I lean on Isaiah 41:13 “For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying; fear not, I will help thee” Please, gather your strength and face your cancer of the mind. If I can be a support to you please keep in touch and I will always reply. Until then I will be praying for you. With Gods love and mercy you will heal.
wonderful put up, very informative. I ponder why the other specialists of
this sector don’t notice this. You should continue your writing.
I am sure, you’ve a great readers’ base already!